Thursday, February 18, 2010

Chaos, Anger & Tears

...have been my life the last six+ weeks. I know no other way to summarize it. The details are exhausting and painful to recall, never mind recount. I haven't journaled, barely blogged and have only ocassionally managed so much as a Facebook status.

The situation I anticipated addressing with my mother when I came to Ohio from California is sooooooooo much MORE intense and hopeless than I could ever have imagined. I am saddened, sickened and discouraged beyond what words can express. COPD, alzheimer's, hoarder/OCD disorder, incredible hostility and resentment - I had NO IDEA what I was in for! How physically challenging it would be/is to daily/hourly deny the pain and limitations of my RA. How emotionally draining it is to daily face openly bitter hostility in one you would stereotypically hope to find encouragement and nurture. How heartbreakingly disappointing it is instead of being welcome and received as a help to be seen as a troublemaker and agitator.

I had hoped to be like a pebble in a pond sending ripples of kindness and caring through the waters and instead often feel like a misdirected whirlpool jet.

I have had to face and embrace the fact that much really is impossible - I CAN'T reason with someone who's become unreasonable. Am having to come to terms with the probability I will HAVE TO be cruel to be kind and I don't know HOW. Hard to think of 'Mom' as opposition but that's what she's become and according to law, she holds the trump cards unless/until the eventuality that she actually DOES hurt herself. Prevention is NOT our option or priviledge and I am unaccustomed to carrying this much anger and frustration within. Only two of 4 siblings can agree and a third is vulnerable to the 'terrorism' of the 4th (who actually DOES bear a striking physical resemblance to Osama Bin Laden).

I feel useless and long to be 'home'.


joyce said...

I'm sorry, wish there were something helpful to say. What you are doing is very, very hard.

xo to you.

オテモヤン said...
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任何時間 said...
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Rita said...

I haven't been back in a long time. I thought I had clicked "follow" and I hadn't. You really have a lot to deal with. It is so sad to see someone you know change so much. I have a girlfriend who was just dealing with this for the last couple of years. They often don't act like themselves and get very angry over little or nothing. Changes in the brain. So sad. You lose them long before you actually lose them. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.