All last week and the week before I felt I was in a state of suspended animation, like a numbered ball in the lottery drawing machine rolling around in a perpetual flow of air, not able to go anywhere and yet not able to fall to rest.
I just scanned a blog post I began and saved without publishing two weeks ago and I could have written it this morning, except that now a decision's been made, an airline ticket reserved...and I am soooooo NOT happy.
In this time of war I know they have deployment counseling for our military but what about folks like myself? I'm about to embark on indefinite period of 'service' as an adult caregiver of my mother in another state. My 'barracks' will be the guest room in my brother and sister in law's house.
INSTEAD of preparing my 'studio' this week for the new year to create and work in, I'm rushing at boxing it up for storage and my heart is aching.
My WORD for 2010 was to have been 'heart' and was to have been my jump off point for quilt journaling and an attempt at something similar to Jude Hill's 'Spirit Cloth' and possibly some art quilting. Now I'm wondering how I'll be able to quilt and/or stitch at all.
INSTEAD I expect to be wading through alot of muck and debris trying to make a dent in the massive mess and restore the hoarder's home of my mother, pretty much against her will, to an acceptable level of livability. I'm filled with dread, over my head in old wounds and hurts I'd thought I'd let go years ago and consumed by their resultant bitterness.
I'm thinking now my WORD for 2010 needs to be 'mercy'.
7 hours ago
4 comments:
I'm so sorry. I wish there was more I could say or do, but my prayers and concern will have to be enough.
May you find space for yourself in all of this. May your sacrifice not come without some blessing in return.
Oh, hon. Well, mercy is born in the heart, I suppose. I am sending you the energy to still feel your heart in all of this mess (the resentments, the stress of moving, the cramped feeling...) and to find a path through the chaos.
Just one foot in front of the other, I'm thinking... and by all means find some way to create something for your own sanity, even if it is a pocket journal you doodle in or a tape recorder you speak into when you step outside, or writing a blog post to get it out.
I think you are already being given an opportunity to show your big heart in 2010! May the new year bring you joy.
You got to do what needs to be done. Your mother may not understand, but you are bringing order and health to her environment. It needs to happen. Stay strong.
hi- just bargeing in here. What a challenge! (on many levels)
I wish you some quilt time.
xo
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