Wednesday Wishcast - I Wish To Experience...

Whenever I tippy toe into Jamie Ridler's Wednesday Wishcaster's circle, I do so timidly - sweatty-palmed nervous and feeling I'm going to appear like someone showing up in stained grey sweats, tattered t-shirt and smelly sneakers when everyone else is attired in silk and satin and taffeta and lace and slim, sexy high-heeled sandals or pumps with perfect mani/pedis and adorned in shiney metals and gems or like a late comer to a skinny dipping mandatory pool party and clumsily and noisily crashing into a cart full of metal serving ware as I try to slink into the water unnoticed.

That's how awkward and inadequately clothed and even naked I sometimes feel when I attempt to respond to Jamie's wish prompts. Last night before I shut down my computer I bopped over to Jamie Ridler Studios and checked out this week's prompt and no one had yet posted. The little #1 and the word's "You're first!" mocked me. HA! I thought...not me. I wouldn't DARE, but I thought about it. As I was thinking I kept bubbling up with one word replies and considering what to write in explanation and kept second guessing myself. After a few of those, I could envision one of Jamie's pics I've seen of her on her site animated and leaning toward me with that darling little head-cocked, half coy expression she wears and altered so she's wearing a thick knit gray turtle neck with bushy white eyebrows over tortoise shell framed eye glasses and stroking a graying goatee as she says, "Vat eez it you vish to ex-peer-ee-ence, Sheila?"

And I wonder, does anyone else feel like they're on the analyst's couch when they ponder what wish to share???

Does everyone angst over what and how to say what's in their heart or do they just throw out whatever pops in their head reflexively like returning the ball playing ping pong or tennis?

I find myself hesitating - rejecting thought after thought as too greedy, too selfish, too materialistic, too revealing, etc. Then I think I wish I had more confidence, more daring, more faith and I didn't have such insecurity, such anxiety, such fear.

The more I thought (turning over and examing each idea that popped into my head like a stone nugget to see if it had any jewel or precious metal embedded in it before tossing it aside into an increasing pile) the more I came to realize, more than passion or freedom from financial worry or success or having a best seller, I REALLY WISH TO EXPERIENCE BELONGING.

I wish to experience comfort, being embraced with enthusiasm, confidence in acceptance, acknowledgement and affirmation of goodness and worth and contribution and being wanted and necessary.

When I was in OH I painfully realized both due to time and distance I'd come to no longer 'belong' at home, having been squeezed out of the gearing necessary to keep that machine running. Here at my house we've been talking about plans for Christmas and I've just recently found out Darlin' will be spending it with his oldest son in AZ, which I heartily encourage because they have time and distance to make up for, but more than his absence here the lack of even a passing thought to include me in his travel plan makes me realize I 'belong' much less than I'd like.